Mixed Emotions
by wxo-0I0-oxw
Summary: [Phase 37] He killed her. He killed Meyrin. I should hate him, and yet...I can't. Why not? Why can't I just slap him and walk away? Why am I feeling like this? [ShinnLuna]


**An: **I thought this up when I was reading around that people thought the Shinn and Luna seemed so rushed. Maybe it did happen a little fast, but does that mean that the love is not there? Bah, whatever. This happens at episode 37 showing how Lunamaria feels about their whole romance thing. So, yeah. Enjoy?

I don't know how it happened. I don't know how it began. I don't even know why. But that doesn't matter. Because it happened.

I may not know how it began, but I do know when. Just a couple of hours ago.

There had been a huge ruckus, and at the time I didn't know the reason for it. It involved the Zaft police, and even though I was a soldier, I decided not to get involved. They'd probably get the whole thing resolved tomorrow anyway.

But then they called me in. I didn't understand, all I knew was that it had something to do with Athrun. I had no idea Meyrin was involved as well. It...hurt. When I found out the truth. I was in denial, I just couldn't believe Meyrin was gone! But she was in the Gouf, with Athrun, who was killed along with her.

By Shinn. My companion. My ally. My friend. My ex-friend.

I wandered, still in denial. Around. For some time. I don't know why I didn't go to my room and rest. Maybe I thought that somehow it wasn't Meyrin in the Gouf, and she was still here, ready to bump into me at any time. But the fact is that I walked for a while. And eventually crossed paths with him.

I wasn't planning to talk to him, I planned to give him the cold shoulder. Maybe it was cruel, but at that time, I didn't care. I didn't want to talk to him. I probably couldn't any way.

But when he had passed me, when he had muttered, "sorry," to me. Something snapped. I don't know what. I just felt like releasing my emotions. I felt like letting go. I guess that's why. Why I grabbed his shoulder, and why I began crying.

I'm a soldier. I'm not supposed to cry. I'm trained not to. But I could care less. Meyrin was dead. Athrun was dead. The murderer was my friend. Why shouldn't I cry? There was no reason not to. So I did.

But what really surprised me was what he did next. He turned around, and seemed to try to stop me from crying. But he only ended up crying himself. He grabbed me, and pulled me into his embrace.

I should've pulled away. I should've ran away. I should've yelled at him, and accuse him for killing my loved ones. But I didn't. I was hugging the killer of my sister, and crying with him.

I don't know how it happened. I don't know how it began. I don't even know why. But that doesn't matter. Because it happened.

I'm sleeping with him now. Held in his arms, relaxing in his embrace. And I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying the company of the murderer of my sister. What would Meyrin think?

But I can't stay mad. Because every time I try to be, I see his peaceful face, breathing in and out softly. Just like a child.

Is this really Shinn?

Can this really be the same Shinn I've known since my academy days? The same Shinn who was always so cocky, the same Shinn who was so arrogant, the same Shinn who was so violent? This Shinn was...different. He wasn't the real Shinn.

Still, I snuggled in closer, wanting to relax in this feeling for just a moment longer. As my arm tried to wrap around his back, it happened to hit his jacket pocket. And out fell that familiar pink cell phone.

I looked, memories flowing in my mind at the sight of the feminine object. I've always wondered why a man would have a pink cell phone-and Shinn no less-but somewhere along the line I figured out it wasn't his. Probably someone that was important to him.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I picked up the small object. While trying to figure how to work the out-dated item, I somehow found myself looking at his pictures.

I knew it was personal, and that I shouldn't have looked, but something caught my eye. It was a little girl, who looked no more then thirteen. I immediately knew she was Shinn's sister. Now I understand. I always thought he was so childish with his outbursts. And how he had always blamed the Atthas. Why couldn't I have realized his pain earlier? Maybe it was because now I know how it feels. To lose a sister.

I found myself clicking on more pictures; and found a collection of Shinn photos.

Only they weren't Shinn. At least, not the Shinn I knew. He looked so innocent in those photos, so cheerful, so childish, so...unlike him. His eyes, they didn't hold the anger that they always did. He was...different again. Not the real Shinn.

I set the phone down on a nearby table. I turned once more to see the peaceful face that was Shinn's.

...Different? Not real?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this Shinn isn't the fake but rather, the real one. Maybe Shinn wasn't supposed to be like this. Maybe he was always kind and innocent, but changed when...

My hands tightly gripped the sheets of the bed.

Was that my fate? To be angry and bitter, like Shinn? All because of my lost sister...

I shook my head, I wouldn't be like that! I...couldn't turn into that...could I? Shinn...he killed Meyrin. I should hate him, right? But what would that do? I would only become bitter...like him. I'd become the person I'm supposed to hate...no. I can't be like that, I won't allow it! I'll just be Lunamaria again. I won't change. I won't turn bitter. I won't.

I turned once more to Shinn. His sleeping figure, it mocks me with its peacefulness. While I'm up here arguing with myself. I smile, before lying down next to him. I lay my head on his shoulder, and snuggle in closer to him.

One of my hands grasps his.

I won't let you become bitter either.

_**Owari**_

_**Ending Notes: **Special thanks to ritachi for re-writing this for me. You should check it out, it's called "Too Late". It's an infinitely better story then this one, so read it. Ha, shameless advertising for ritachi. :P Anyway, I would delete this, but ritachi wanted readers to compare the two stories. I guess she wanted to show how much better hers was in comparison. -shrugs-_


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